Do not go gentle into that good night...

So the weekend did not go according to plan. Recently, I purchased the "life recovery" Bible because of its use of 12-step and celebrate recovery principles through scripture and prayer. It has amazing tools not only for the field I work in but for my life, my personal sin, and the constant messes I find myself in spiritually. I have been working through a particular bible study that follows through the 12 steps and I am beginning the 4th step as of this evening. Now, the 4th steps states that "we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves" I have done a 4th step inventory before and it was by far one of the most emotionally difficult things I have done. Honestly, I didn't want to revisit it, or even reflect on it, so instead of doing the healthy and proper thing. I chose to ignore it and put off my Bible studies and time with God. This led to a number of things that made this weekend for me less then pleasant (on an emotional and spiritual level). Thankfully it was only a few days and not weeks to months on end of rebellion and vicious cycles of nasty habits and self loathing. So, here I am today, ready to once again revisit those places inside me that while maybe dark to even my own eyes, the "light of the world" can see.

It is funny how timing works. Of course I think this is God and his sense of humor or irony if you will. The step 4 bible study focused on Adam and Eve, and how they hid from God and yet he knew where they were and what they did. At the same time, the study I am doing on the names of God continues to focus on the name for Christ: "light of the World"

As that light, nothing is hid from God. "darkness is as light" to him. I have also been reading through the Psalms and praying Psalms 19:12-14

How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don't let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

This life we walk through is never easy; the way we cope with it is sometimes very unhealthy; and often times we, especially me, I get stuck in these unhealthy behaviors, unhealthy coping patterns and repetitively and incessantly fail. It is that lack of control and need to daily give it over to God. So, Just for today, I will give my troubles, my shame, my guilt, and even my joy over to the one who sees all, and gives grace and rest to all. One of my favorite passages is as follows.

He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children-- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. The LORD has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all.
Psalm 103:9-19

Fresh air and will power...

Today at work, our clients got into an interesting discussion during one of their process groups. Why do people relapse? Each had his or her own idea, but most came to the conclusion that i had to do with following through with their program. In my previous job, I was able to see people who held down 10 or more years of sobriety. The number 1 reason they relapse was because they became confident, saying things such as "I got this," quit going to their 12-step meetings, stopped communicating with their sponsors, stopped going to church or connecting with a higher power. In essence they stopped working their program.

Tonight, in continuing to study the names of God, I revisited this idea of working a program. If Christ is the "light of the world," and we are to walk in the light as He is in the light," then how can I attain this.

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. 1 John 1:5 - 7

In this life, in present body and present world, I will never be able to be perfect. My flesh is sinful. It is through the blood of Christ I am made pure, but how can I make the choices, control thoughts and attitudes which are often times automatic so that I do not walk in darkness. How come I keep on sinning? My conclusion is that I do not work my program. We have an excellent text, not the Big Book of AA, rather the Bible. God commanded Joshua on how to live:

Be strong and very courageous. Obey all the laws Moses gave you. Do not turn away from them, and you will be successful in everything you do. Study this Book of the Law continually. Meditate on it day and night so you may be sure to obey all that is written in it. Only then will you succeed. I command you -- be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:7-9

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6

Jesus replied, "You must love the Lord our God with all your heart, all your sould, and all your mind. This is the first and greates commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments." Matthew 22:37-40

I could keep writing things that come to mind- "set your mind on things above not on earthly things..." "be anxious about nothing but through prayer and petition present your requests to God."

The truth is, I don't do these things. I don't turn to God first. I often times stop having my daily communion with him, I stop reading scripture and meditating, I stop putting others before me. I stop my program. I believe it is possible to live like Christ because he gave us all authority that he was given, the problem is, I don't keep up the work. I believe Christ put it best when he stated:

"If you want to be my follower you must love me more than your own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters -- yes, more than your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And you cannot be my disciple if you do not carry your own cross and follow me. Luke 14:26-27

You, light up my life....

I know there wasn't a post yesterday, the study I am doing apparently has 2 day rests. Weekend maybe? Not sure. Well as stated earlier, I am doing a study on the names of God. Specifically, this study is on the names of Christ.
NAMES:
IMMANUEL- God with us.

This Week: "Light of the World"

Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all people.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
There was a man sent from God whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. John 1:3 - 9

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12

As I think of this concept, I think about the times I have gone to candle light services on Christmas Eve. It is symbolic of the "light" coming into the world through the birth of Jesus. The room starts of completely dark, almost pitch black. Then, a single candle is lit. It is amazing how much darkness is pushed back from just the light of a single candlestick. The light however does not stop there, it begins to spread from candlestick to candlestick until all are lit. The room becomes a glow with a multitude of candles.

You are the light of the world -- like a city on a mountain, glowing in the night for all to see. Don't hide your light under a basket! Instead, put it on a stand and let it shine for all. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father. Matthew 5:14-16

When Christ came into the world, he came to pierce the darkness, not only in the world, but in our hearts. Because of this, we too become light. We shine the light of God for others to see. As the "light" works in our hearts, certain things come to light, things I often wish would stay hidden. I never enjoy looking back at my secret sins, and hidden shame. However, they must be brought to light so that Christ can redeem me, so that I can be made whole. I was reading in Psalms 19 today and I decided that the prayer of David is a prayer I should pray every day. I encourage others to do the same.

How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep me from deliberate sins! Don't let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin. May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. Psalms 19:12-14

AMEN!

Mirror, Mirror on the wall...

Sorry for the delay, last night the server was down.

Let's Recap. I have started a study on the names of God. This week, the focus has been on IMMANUEL (God With Us). Part of this study is to incorporate the name and characteristic into prayer, specifically praising and thanking God for being with me/us, learning to identify where he is evident in my life, even when I don't want him there (deep down inside I do, but its easier to blame him then me).

In addiction and recovery, (really anyone's mind), God plays an important role. Step 2 of the 12 steps states "We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Step 3 states: "We made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God..." Many people find these two steps difficult. Each name used to describe God portrays a characteristic he possesses according to our understanding of him (HEALER, FATHER, DADDY, FRIEND, SAVIOR, MASTER, VENGEFUL, ETC.) However, in our minds what often takes place is simple transference. God begins to take on the characteristics of authority figures from our past. If you had parents who were abusive while you were a child, either physically or sexually, authority figures who were never there, who didn't provide, who only dealt out punishment rather than love and compassion, then odds are God too begins to take this image in your mind. Do I truly want a God like that to be with me? First and foremost, it is time to separate lies from reality. If you read previous posts or especially the Bible, you will find that God loves us, is there for us, loves justice.
As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. John 15:9 - 12
Once we have realized this important piece of information on who God is, we can begin to surrender to his will and embrace the fact that He is with us. The Bible gives us specific examples of how he is with us, how he wants to be with us. When was the last time you looked in a mirror and reflected upon the reflection looking back?
Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? 1 Corinthians 3:16
But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won your fight with these false prophets, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world. 1 John 4:41
The spirit of God lives in us. We should (I should) reflect that. I know often times I don't. Often times I get bogged down with a distorted image looking back at me, accusations, guilt, shame, sin, pride. All those things that bring me down and cause me to turn from my God. Jesus tells us that we are the light, a city on a hill, the salt of the earth. Others should see Christ in us and know we are children of God.
When I was 17, I was able to spend 2 months in Namibia Africa. It was an incredible and difficult time of my life however, I remember meeting with a small family (my ministry group and I) and they were not having anything we were talking with them about. They didn't want to hear about God and the message of the Gospel. So we decided to take our leave and journeyed up a hill that was right behind their huts (literally). As we sat there, we prayed. We asked God to shine through us, apparently our words were doing nothing so we gave it over to God. At the end of our prayer time, we journeyed back down the hill. The same family asked us to join them for a small meal, a token of their appreciation for spending time with them. They offered us a few small pieces of Goat and some "sour milk" (not pleasant). We were humbled that they would give us some of what was already so little to eat. As we partook, the man of the house told us. "we see something in you, you all are good people, you come, you eat our food, you smile, we see good in you" God was shining his love through us. I do not know if this family came to know God, but I do know God revealed himself that day. Every day I try to pray this prayer, that God will reveal himself through me, through my smile, my attitude, my actions. He is with me and in me. Our physical reflection may not ever be perfect, but I pray that the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ will wash over those imperfections and that we can begin to allow HIS perfection to shine through us.

Hi, My name is Mike and I'm a sinner...

Often times, in my line of work I get asked if I am in recovery. My answer is usually ambivalent. I tell people in a sense yes and a sense no. The truth is, I have no addiction to a chemical substance. Have I struggled with substance abuse in the past? Emphatically, I must say yes. I have bordered on the line of alcoholism and made some pretty stupid choices. However, by the grace of God, my consequences were nil, and I was able to recognize my patterns of behavior and took control and changed the negative behaviors. I enjoy certain pharmacological pills; I know if I get a hold of them, it will be difficult to stop taking them. I enjoy them that much. Again, by the grace of God, I have not pursued these pills and when I do have them, I am learning to get rid of them without taking them. So no, I am not in recovery that I have to go to a meeting every day for 90 days or 90/90.

I do however,have some things in my life I consider an ongoing battle, a struggle, an addiction. These are things I am not proud of, in fact, I am ashamed, often times riddled with guilt. As I do this study on the names of God, I can't help but be amazed that He is IMMANUEL, God with us.

Take into account Peter. I have read his story over and over and today I realized something new, not about Peter but about IMMANUEL.

Luke 5:1-11
One day as Jesus was preaching on the shore of the Sea of Galilee, great crowds pressed in on him to listen to the word of God. he noticed two empty boats at the water's edge, for the fishermen had left them and were washing their nets. Stepping into one of the boats, Jesus asked Simon, its owner, to push it out into the water. So he sat in the boat and taught the crowds from there. When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, "now go out where it is deeper, and let down your nets to catch some fish." "master," Simon replied, "we worked hard all last night and didn't catch a thing. But if you say so, I'll let the nets down again." And this time their nets were so full of fish, they began to tear! A shout for help brought their partners in the other boat, and soon both boats were filled with fish and on the verge of sinking. When Simon Peter realized what had happened, he fell to his knees before Jesus and said, "OH,LORD, PLEASE LEAVE ME-- I'M TOO MUCH OF A SINNER TO BE AROUND YOU." For he was awestruck by the number of fish they had caught, as were the others with him. His partners, James and John, the sons of Zebedee were also amazed. Jesus replied to Simon, "Don't be afraid! From now on you'll be fishing for people!" And as soon as they landed, they left everything and followed Jesus.

HOLY CRAP! Peter immediately recognized how much of a sinner he was and unworthy to be in the presence of someone who was holy and filled with the power of God. At this point, he didn't even know that Jesus was IMMANUEL, the one who would restore and save him. And Jesus' reply... "DON'T BE AFRAID! FROM NOW ON YOU'LL BE FISHING FOR PEOPLE" In other words, come and be a part of who I am and the work I have come to do. If you continue to read the story of Peter you will see that the man is a complete and utter disaster. He fell on his face numerous times, denied ever knowing Christ, doubted the power of Jesus on a number of occasions, and almost always completely missed the point Jesus was trying to make. And all Jesus did was walk with him, love him, DIED for him and used him in an amazing manner.

As I reflect on this, I see myself. I do the exact same thing. When I get into my habitual sin, persistent failures I try to hide from God. Rather than say "PLEASE GO AWAY FROM ME," I just run the opposite direction. I should be an Olympic medalist by now. I would rather hide my face from him and live in darkness, than come to him with my shame and guilt. Problem is, He is IMMANUEL! He is with me, even when I can't sense him because of my stubborn and foolish pride. King David said it best...

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
f I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
Psalms 139:1-12

There is nothing I can do, nowhere I can hide. He is after all IMMANUEL! How awesome!

So am I in recovery? YES! My name is Mike and I am addicted to sin.

One Day at a Time

THE SERENITY PRAYER
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life; and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

So the past few weeks have been pretty crazy. What I have learned... I fight to much to have things my way. God is so much bigger than my narcissism, and pride. What it comes down to is obedience, all he has asked us to do is to follow him. Lay down our life, take up our cross and follow him. Almost 2 weeks ago, a patient suicided, it was pretty hard for me and my colleagues. This past week, work was pretty difficult, high volume of patients, and high stress of course. Wednesday, my house was broken into, things were taken. All the while, I have been struggling with just letting go and obeying God, accepting his grace and forgiveness, and being patient for his timing that things will be come easier/less hectic. Well for once, I decided I would do all 3 things.
As of today, I am officially 1 week sober. (I joined the wagon finally) And to qualify this statement, I am not an "alcoholic." but I have been known to occasionally binge and abuse the sauce, and the past few weeks were a huge test in terms of healthy coping skills for stress, and a couple of times, all I could think about was the easy fix, the bottom of a bottle. I am not that person nor do I aspire to be, so I prayed and I know for an indefinite period of time this is what God is asking of me.
I am letting go of all the rest and placing it in God's hands. Since then, believe it or not, I feel better, happier, less anxious... Content. It is funny how that works.

Forks and Roads

I can't remember where I got this from but it is a very powerful prayer that I once prayed and God has been reminding me of it lately.

"Beloved whenever you are in doubt as to which way to turn, submit your judgment absolutely to the spirit of God, asking him "blessed spirit, I give to you the entire responsibility of closing every road and stopping every step that is not of God. Let me hear your voice behind me whenever I turn aside to the right or to the left."

I have been doing a ton of thinking, reflecting and seeking as God has prompted me in my heart. I am at a cross roads in life and what I keep coming back to is obedience. Christ was obedient to death on a cross, Abraham was obedient to the point he was willing to sacrifice his son. Noah was obedient enough to build an ark in a dry arid land for over 100 years. Paul obedient to death, Stephen... to death. Me????? Good question.