Do not go gentle into that good night...

So the weekend did not go according to plan. Recently, I purchased the "life recovery" Bible because of its use of 12-step and celebrate recovery principles through scripture and prayer. It has amazing tools not only for the field I work in but for my life, my personal sin, and the constant messes I find myself in spiritually. I have been working through a particular bible study that follows through the 12 steps and I am beginning the 4th step as of this evening. Now, the 4th steps states that "we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves" I have done a 4th step inventory before and it was by far one of the most emotionally difficult things I have done. Honestly, I didn't want to revisit it, or even reflect on it, so instead of doing the healthy and proper thing. I chose to ignore it and put off my Bible studies and time with God. This led to a number of things that made this weekend for me less then pleasant (on an emotional and spiritual level). Thankfully it was only a few days and not weeks to months on end of rebellion and vicious cycles of nasty habits and self loathing. So, here I am today, ready to once again revisit those places inside me that while maybe dark to even my own eyes, the "light of the world" can see.

It is funny how timing works. Of course I think this is God and his sense of humor or irony if you will. The step 4 bible study focused on Adam and Eve, and how they hid from God and yet he knew where they were and what they did. At the same time, the study I am doing on the names of God continues to focus on the name for Christ: "light of the World"

As that light, nothing is hid from God. "darkness is as light" to him. I have also been reading through the Psalms and praying Psalms 19:12-14

How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don't let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

This life we walk through is never easy; the way we cope with it is sometimes very unhealthy; and often times we, especially me, I get stuck in these unhealthy behaviors, unhealthy coping patterns and repetitively and incessantly fail. It is that lack of control and need to daily give it over to God. So, Just for today, I will give my troubles, my shame, my guilt, and even my joy over to the one who sees all, and gives grace and rest to all. One of my favorite passages is as follows.

He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children-- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. The LORD has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all.
Psalm 103:9-19

Fresh air and will power...

Today at work, our clients got into an interesting discussion during one of their process groups. Why do people relapse? Each had his or her own idea, but most came to the conclusion that i had to do with following through with their program. In my previous job, I was able to see people who held down 10 or more years of sobriety. The number 1 reason they relapse was because they became confident, saying things such as "I got this," quit going to their 12-step meetings, stopped communicating with their sponsors, stopped going to church or connecting with a higher power. In essence they stopped working their program.

Tonight, in continuing to study the names of God, I revisited this idea of working a program. If Christ is the "light of the world," and we are to walk in the light as He is in the light," then how can I attain this.

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. 1 John 1:5 - 7

In this life, in present body and present world, I will never be able to be perfect. My flesh is sinful. It is through the blood of Christ I am made pure, but how can I make the choices, control thoughts and attitudes which are often times automatic so that I do not walk in darkness. How come I keep on sinning? My conclusion is that I do not work my program. We have an excellent text, not the Big Book of AA, rather the Bible. God commanded Joshua on how to live:

Be strong and very courageous. Obey all the laws Moses gave you. Do not turn away from them, and you will be successful in everything you do. Study this Book of the Law continually. Meditate on it day and night so you may be sure to obey all that is written in it. Only then will you succeed. I command you -- be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:7-9

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6

Jesus replied, "You must love the Lord our God with all your heart, all your sould, and all your mind. This is the first and greates commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments." Matthew 22:37-40

I could keep writing things that come to mind- "set your mind on things above not on earthly things..." "be anxious about nothing but through prayer and petition present your requests to God."

The truth is, I don't do these things. I don't turn to God first. I often times stop having my daily communion with him, I stop reading scripture and meditating, I stop putting others before me. I stop my program. I believe it is possible to live like Christ because he gave us all authority that he was given, the problem is, I don't keep up the work. I believe Christ put it best when he stated:

"If you want to be my follower you must love me more than your own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters -- yes, more than your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And you cannot be my disciple if you do not carry your own cross and follow me. Luke 14:26-27

At First I was Afraid, I was Petrified...

Fear is a powerful emotion. It can cause 3 natural physiological mechanisms in response. 1. Fight 2. Flight 3. Freeze. For 100 bonus points, does anyone know why? Aside from that was the way we were created, our brains have naturally adapted over the past few millennia. Back when the world was mostly teeth and flesh, when faced with a threatening animal or situation, humans had to decide 1. Can I fight this to survive? 2. Should I run from this to survive? 3. Humans learned that some animals do not eat dead things so they learned, if I freeze, it will leave me alone. Fear plays a key role in our ability to survive. So at what point does fear become a key role in our sin? For me, fear keeps me from trusting in God- IMMANUEL. This week has been good in a sense that I a daily trying to remember that He is IMMANUEL- God with us. I immediately try to control the situation and when I can't, in sets the panic. It is crazy how I do this over and over again. So as I continue to bring my mind that God is with me, I feel a calm come over me. Tonight's study continues to be a combination of Step 3 of the 12 steps (We made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God) and the name Immanuel. Tonight, I am reminded of some important promises.

But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?" And God said, "I will be with you." Exodus 3:11 - 12

"I will never leave you nor forsake you. . . . Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:5, 9

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43:2 - 3

Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. Matthew 28:20


Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you."
So we say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can human beings do to me?"
Hebrews 13:5 - 6

The word of God is full of promises that God will be with us, that he will not abandon us. I know I don't deserve it, but I am learning to daily accept the grace that was given to me and trust in the fact that He is IMMANUEL!

Mirror, Mirror on the wall...

Sorry for the delay, last night the server was down.

Let's Recap. I have started a study on the names of God. This week, the focus has been on IMMANUEL (God With Us). Part of this study is to incorporate the name and characteristic into prayer, specifically praising and thanking God for being with me/us, learning to identify where he is evident in my life, even when I don't want him there (deep down inside I do, but its easier to blame him then me).

In addiction and recovery, (really anyone's mind), God plays an important role. Step 2 of the 12 steps states "We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Step 3 states: "We made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God..." Many people find these two steps difficult. Each name used to describe God portrays a characteristic he possesses according to our understanding of him (HEALER, FATHER, DADDY, FRIEND, SAVIOR, MASTER, VENGEFUL, ETC.) However, in our minds what often takes place is simple transference. God begins to take on the characteristics of authority figures from our past. If you had parents who were abusive while you were a child, either physically or sexually, authority figures who were never there, who didn't provide, who only dealt out punishment rather than love and compassion, then odds are God too begins to take this image in your mind. Do I truly want a God like that to be with me? First and foremost, it is time to separate lies from reality. If you read previous posts or especially the Bible, you will find that God loves us, is there for us, loves justice.
As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. John 15:9 - 12
Once we have realized this important piece of information on who God is, we can begin to surrender to his will and embrace the fact that He is with us. The Bible gives us specific examples of how he is with us, how he wants to be with us. When was the last time you looked in a mirror and reflected upon the reflection looking back?
Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? 1 Corinthians 3:16
But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won your fight with these false prophets, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world. 1 John 4:41
The spirit of God lives in us. We should (I should) reflect that. I know often times I don't. Often times I get bogged down with a distorted image looking back at me, accusations, guilt, shame, sin, pride. All those things that bring me down and cause me to turn from my God. Jesus tells us that we are the light, a city on a hill, the salt of the earth. Others should see Christ in us and know we are children of God.
When I was 17, I was able to spend 2 months in Namibia Africa. It was an incredible and difficult time of my life however, I remember meeting with a small family (my ministry group and I) and they were not having anything we were talking with them about. They didn't want to hear about God and the message of the Gospel. So we decided to take our leave and journeyed up a hill that was right behind their huts (literally). As we sat there, we prayed. We asked God to shine through us, apparently our words were doing nothing so we gave it over to God. At the end of our prayer time, we journeyed back down the hill. The same family asked us to join them for a small meal, a token of their appreciation for spending time with them. They offered us a few small pieces of Goat and some "sour milk" (not pleasant). We were humbled that they would give us some of what was already so little to eat. As we partook, the man of the house told us. "we see something in you, you all are good people, you come, you eat our food, you smile, we see good in you" God was shining his love through us. I do not know if this family came to know God, but I do know God revealed himself that day. Every day I try to pray this prayer, that God will reveal himself through me, through my smile, my attitude, my actions. He is with me and in me. Our physical reflection may not ever be perfect, but I pray that the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ will wash over those imperfections and that we can begin to allow HIS perfection to shine through us.