So the weekend did not go according to plan. Recently, I purchased the "life recovery" Bible because of its use of 12-step and celebrate recovery principles through scripture and prayer. It has amazing tools not only for the field I work in but for my life, my personal sin, and the constant messes I find myself in spiritually. I have been working through a particular bible study that follows through the 12 steps and I am beginning the 4th step as of this evening. Now, the 4th steps states that "we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves" I have done a 4th step inventory before and it was by far one of the most emotionally difficult things I have done. Honestly, I didn't want to revisit it, or even reflect on it, so instead of doing the healthy and proper thing. I chose to ignore it and put off my Bible studies and time with God. This led to a number of things that made this weekend for me less then pleasant (on an emotional and spiritual level). Thankfully it was only a few days and not weeks to months on end of rebellion and vicious cycles of nasty habits and self loathing. So, here I am today, ready to once again revisit those places inside me that while maybe dark to even my own eyes, the "light of the world" can see.
It is funny how timing works. Of course I think this is God and his sense of humor or irony if you will. The step 4 bible study focused on Adam and Eve, and how they hid from God and yet he knew where they were and what they did. At the same time, the study I am doing on the names of God continues to focus on the name for Christ: "light of the World"
As that light, nothing is hid from God. "darkness is as light" to him. I have also been reading through the Psalms and praying Psalms 19:12-14
How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don't let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
This life we walk through is never easy; the way we cope with it is sometimes very unhealthy; and often times we, especially me, I get stuck in these unhealthy behaviors, unhealthy coping patterns and repetitively and incessantly fail. It is that lack of control and need to daily give it over to God. So, Just for today, I will give my troubles, my shame, my guilt, and even my joy over to the one who sees all, and gives grace and rest to all. One of my favorite passages is as follows.
He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children-- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. The LORD has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all.
Psalm 103:9-19
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