One Day at a Time

THE SERENITY PRAYER
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life; and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

So the past few weeks have been pretty crazy. What I have learned... I fight to much to have things my way. God is so much bigger than my narcissism, and pride. What it comes down to is obedience, all he has asked us to do is to follow him. Lay down our life, take up our cross and follow him. Almost 2 weeks ago, a patient suicided, it was pretty hard for me and my colleagues. This past week, work was pretty difficult, high volume of patients, and high stress of course. Wednesday, my house was broken into, things were taken. All the while, I have been struggling with just letting go and obeying God, accepting his grace and forgiveness, and being patient for his timing that things will be come easier/less hectic. Well for once, I decided I would do all 3 things.
As of today, I am officially 1 week sober. (I joined the wagon finally) And to qualify this statement, I am not an "alcoholic." but I have been known to occasionally binge and abuse the sauce, and the past few weeks were a huge test in terms of healthy coping skills for stress, and a couple of times, all I could think about was the easy fix, the bottom of a bottle. I am not that person nor do I aspire to be, so I prayed and I know for an indefinite period of time this is what God is asking of me.
I am letting go of all the rest and placing it in God's hands. Since then, believe it or not, I feel better, happier, less anxious... Content. It is funny how that works.

This is the way I live, little boys still pushing big wheels...

A Sling and a Stone

Why is it that when we have past encounters and successes with God, we so easily forget? It is as if every time we are faced with a new battle, we forget how God has previously delivered us and we assume he can't do it this time. Or maybe we know God has saved us once, but this time it is far beyond his capability.

1 Samuel 17:20-47 is the story of David and Goliath. Sorry but you have to read it for yourself, it is too much to type out. Anyway, I have read and heard this story so many times before, but recently God has shed some new light on this oldie but goodie and I wanted to share with you.

1. First thing to recognize is that David was being a good son and brother, his father sent him to take them food for the battle (verse 22). He goes to greet them.

2. David's oldest brother Eliab becomes angry with him (verse 28). It is important to realize that even in our struggles, we might not have the full understanding and support of those closest to us, they might be judgmental and even hateful.

3. The King & the Israelites can only see the half truth. They can't beat the Philistines. One man can not defeat this giant that stands before them. (the human condition has severe limitations) Israelites/Saul= weak & afraid. David= small boy through man's eyes they would all be destroyed because Goliath was a giant and the champion of the Philistines

4. David however sees the whole truth. All things are possible through God. He relies on past victories over a lion and a bear. He gives those victories and the glory to God. A lion and a bear have the strength to tear a man a part much less a small boy and yet God delivered him. He draws on these experiences for faith in the current situation. God did it once, he will do it again. (verses 34-37)

5. We can not achieve victory on mans wisdom and design. Saul tried to get on board with David and so he gave David his armor, however it was too big and David could not use it because he was not used to it. (verses 38-39)

6. The face off: Goliath: a giant with a sword, a spear, and a javelin. Weapons meant to kill and destroy those who would contest him. David: a shepherd boy, a sling, a stone, faith in God. He claimed his victory and gave the Glory to God and God gave him victory.

It is my prayer to have this kind of Faith. The limit of man is great; the limit of God does not exist.

Just Around the River Bend

I put this as my facebook status and I wanted to expand on it.

"Life is not a straight line..." -John Piper.

You can take this quote and run with it in a million directions. A long time time ago, and by a long time, I mean just over 10 years, I was a junior in high school. I am pretty sure I was clinically depressed but I trucked on through it. I had little motivation to do anything and it was pretty rough. I used to write a lot back then, here is one of my pieces.

"The Journey"

A journey down a treacherous path-
a winding course with rugged mountains-
burning deserts and mighty oceans
on this path lies many forks.
Go right here!
Go left there,
or maybe just go straight.
Either way it won't be easy;
each path has its ups and downs.
The point of this incessant journey
is to reach our final destination.

Life is nothing but a journey,
and the world is just a prison,
until the journey comes to an end.
This prison is a melancholy void
slowly spiraling to its demise.
It is up to us to choose
whether or not we go with it.
For the choices we make,
and the paths we take,
determine our fate.
-02-07-00.

Can I just say that I am grateful for the grace of God. Life is not about the final destination, rather it is about the Journey. We will never walk down easy paths, they may at some point be quite pleasant in level fields with beautiful scenery. Other times the roads will be winding, and twisting uphill, downhill, rough terrain. It is important to know we will never be alone. We have a God who has been where we have been and who now chooses to walk with us and often times carry us through this journey. The other beauty... we walk together in fellowship and support.

Forks and Roads

I can't remember where I got this from but it is a very powerful prayer that I once prayed and God has been reminding me of it lately.

"Beloved whenever you are in doubt as to which way to turn, submit your judgment absolutely to the spirit of God, asking him "blessed spirit, I give to you the entire responsibility of closing every road and stopping every step that is not of God. Let me hear your voice behind me whenever I turn aside to the right or to the left."

I have been doing a ton of thinking, reflecting and seeking as God has prompted me in my heart. I am at a cross roads in life and what I keep coming back to is obedience. Christ was obedient to death on a cross, Abraham was obedient to the point he was willing to sacrifice his son. Noah was obedient enough to build an ark in a dry arid land for over 100 years. Paul obedient to death, Stephen... to death. Me????? Good question.

Silence is Golden

So I decided that it would be best if I cut out the cable, for financial reasons, and, it doesn't hurt to spend some extra time in reflection. Should be interesting. Oddly enough, does not affect by inability to sleep. My mind still races and I still need help (herbal) no not that kind of herbal. I use melatonin. I don't know how my ADD symptoms will adapt to this new drop in stimulation but should be interesting. God is doing some crazy interesting things in my life right now so it will be an adventure that's for certain.

TO LIVE OR DIE IN DIXIE!

Are we failing our soldiers? Well maybe not us but the military? Loaded question? Absolutely... I just read an article on MSNBC.com http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38472795/ns/health-mental_health/ Check out the link. (you may have to cut and paste). The problem with this is that the idea of failure is not anything new. Any Vietnam vets care to chime in? What about those who have asked their grandparents to talk about their war experiences in WWII or Korea? My guess is that they are very hesitant. Working in the mental health field, I have seen first hand what War time trauma/ stress can due to an individual. It is almost impossible to get someone treatment at the V.A for substance abuse and other mental health issues due to the long wait lists. Where is the disconnect? Too many young men and women come home with severe PTSD, increased aggression, nightmares, substance use, and like the "shell Shock" victims of WWII and Vietnam vets, they will grow older, many will fail to get help and end up with severe mental disorders such as schizophrenia or worse, they will suicide. The truth is, I don't have the answer. Now I know that might be a shock to many people (ha ha just kidding). The point is, I want to thank every man or woman who will, who currently is, or who ever has served in our nation's armed forces. I want to thank their loved ones for the sacrifice they too have had to endure. If you see or know someone who serves/served tell them thanks. Encourage them to seek help, or just talk to someone therapist/clergy member, somebody. Too many of our men and women have died overseas and it is a further travesty for those die for our country at their own hands and risky behavior.

IF...

Although it has been a very long time since I have done so, I used to write quite frequently. I decided today I would like to share one of my pieces. The funny thing about this piece is that it took about 2 years to complete; I could never figure out the perfect ending for it. So without further adieu (spelling?), I give you...

If...

If I wrote the perfect song, would you hear it?
From where you are, would it reach your ears
and kiss you on your soul?
Would your heart begin to smile or melt away in tears?

If my time was short, would you have time to care?
Would you mourn for me, or dance upon my sorrow?
Reminisce about the days of old, or push me out,
to the bitter cold?

If I touched your skin, would you feel it?
Would it warm your face and caress your heart?
would you drift away inside my arms,
or sink and drown in vindictive fit?

If we stood together face to face,
Would we see what time has done?
Would we embrace with joy, forgotten friends,
or embrace an end, to justify our means?

-Michael Vela
10-05-04

A Single Step.

I got this in an email from my aunt forwarded from my uncle. My grandfather (maternal) served in the Korean conflict. On July 20, 1950 he was severely wounded and almost killed. My uncle writes...
"Here is the difference one step can make. That mortar shell that blew open his chest(taking 3/4 of his sternum) and arms could have very well landed on him and blown him to bits. Had our father taken one more running lunge (about 3ft) he would have been killed and we as children/family, grand kids, great grand kids etc... would not be here. The Good Lord above intervened and here we all are. This date, July 20, 1950 is a key date in our family's history. Mom and Dad would not have married, and we would not exist today. On this day I thank God for his greatness and all he has done for our families, and I especially am grateful for the difference one step can make.....I love you all! may God continue to bless and hold you all." - JMag

It's interesting, I never considered the difference a step could make before. I have never seen my grandfather as a hero, though I am grateful for his service and sacrifice to his country. However, the memories I have of the man are not too pleasant though I did love him. He died of cirrhosis of the liver when I was in the 5th or 6th, mostly due to alcohol abuse. I remember he was bed ridden for most of the time I could remember him. I know he was a man who loved his children but each of them can tell you different stories and memories of the man they remember, a hero, a father, a drunk, an abuser, a provider, a good and a bad man. The truth is, it doesn't matter. Because of who he was, it doesn't matter. It was by the grace of God, our true Father we, our family, are here today.

A single step in life can alter our lives forever. Every choice we make has a consequence, good or bad. Our past shapes us but it does not define us.

"SOBRIETY HURTS"

It seems lately I have been pondering many a philosophical idea. Over the past month I have been attending a bible study at the Coffee Haus in Arlington.
The topic tonight was on the body of Christ. We read from one of my favorite chapters in the Bible, Romans 12. The talk was about how we as a body of Christ should be united, how we should be humble and not "high and mighty." While I have read this passage many times before, I can honestly say I focus mostly on verses 1 & 2. Tonight however what stood out to me was

VERSE 3:
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Here is why.

Over the past few weeks things have been very hectic at work. I had to take matters in my own hands and make a change. Thankfully, the change was for the better. I have gone from working with adolescents to working with adults and chemical dependency.

About 2 weeks ago, I had a patient a few years younger than me. He was detoxing from hydro codeine and benzos. During one of my group therapy sessions, he told the group how he was sitting with his mom during visitation and he began crying. He said "Sobriety hurts" He couldn't remember the last time he felt any type of emotion with his mom, and mostly what he was feeling was guilt and shame. He was beginning to realize all the pain he had put his mother through with his drug use.

When I read the words sober judgment, I immediately remembered the words of my patient "sobriety hurts."
The basic definition of sober is to be of sound mind or sane thought. The reason most people use drugs is to numb, cloud, or forget emotions of pain, sadness, stress, anger, etc. When someone is under the influence, they possess a different view of the world. Has anyone heard of "beer goggles?" So to be sober and see things for the way they are, ourselves the way we truly are? That in it of itself is sobering.

I am not perfect, there I said it, now its your turn. We are bruised and broken, sinners, judgmental, and imperfect beings. Yet for the grace of God we are called to be sons and daughters, members of one body. How come we don't act that way? How come we put people on a pedestal and when they show their faults we are quick to string up a noose? It is my hope that I can be transparent with my brothers and sisters, able to be vulnerable, ministered to, and, that I can be able to minster to them as well.

So my question to you... When you look at yourself, where do you put yourself? Too high? Too low?

I BELIEVE....

I was in church today, and the pastor made an interesting challenge. He asked us to go home, sit down and think; then, write down the words I believe... It is a pretty philosophical question. Do you really know what you believe? As I sit and wonder, I think back and remember Sunday school classes, Vacation Bible Schools, and Summer Camps. The most common and often times correct answers to any question... God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, or the Bible. So then it hit me. Do I just believe in some doctrine that I grew up hearing my entire life? Now I have pondered this question before, but I think, I always just dismissed it, or I never truly just formulated an answer to the question. So here it is.

I do not believe in some doctrine because my parents believed and told me to, or because that is what my youth minister told me.
I believe...

I believe in God. He is the creator and I am a part of his creation; I am his creation. He is perfection and me... well, I am far from perfection. It is because of this lack of perfection, I deserve death and nothing more. I do not deserve the glory that awaits beyond this life.

I believe in grace, in the form of Jesus Christ who is the son of God, God in the flesh. It is because God loved us so much he bestowed grace on us in the blood of Jesus. The embodiment of perfection as an atonement, a sacrifice, a ransom for my place, your place, our place. It is because of this grace I now can achieve my place in Glory.

I believe in love. For God so loved the world... How great the Father's love is that he would call us sons and daughters... Greater love has no man than this, that he lays down his life for his friends... Matthew 22:37 Jesus replied: " 'Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself. I believe just as Jesus said, these two commands are the greatest commandments and it is only by his Spirit (The Holy Spirit) our guide, that we can ever hope to love others as we love ourselves.

I believe that "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13). No matter what life brings, I know I can get through it. Challenges, trials, circumstances... I can rise above it with the strength of my God.

I BELIEVE THIS BECAUSE CHRIST CALLS US "...to be more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:37-39).

So the next question, which is just logical to follow up. Why? Why do I believe this?
The answer is simple. Faith. Faith in things unseen. We all need something to hope in right? The difference is, that my faith comes from love. I love Christ because he first loved me. I think Paul sums it up with this: " That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day." (2 Timothy 1:12)

So if you read this, I hope you take time and reflect. What do you believe? Why do you believe it?